Going Without

A month of obligation-free summer looms before me. And sometime last week, I made the decision to do something I’ve never done before: nothing.

No plans, no trips out of town, no schedule. 

In fact the only thing on my agenda is to explore what life feels like when I have nothing but time. You know, that thing we all think we need more of.

In our everyday lives, we get too busy to call our moms or work out or complete any of those “someday” projects that we always talk about but rarely do. We become too busy to do anything other than manage our hectic schedules and zone out in front of the TV at the end of the night. And then repeat it all the next day and live for the weekend when we can relax and feel some sort of relief from what is really just life.

But what happens when all that goes away? What’s left? Is it a void? Is it boredom? Is it happiness?

I spent years working non-stop. It wasn’t enough that I worked full time. I did coaching gigs on the side and published two novels. I bought a big house and filled it full of things I thought I needed like big TVs, nice furniture, and shoes. I went to the gym in the morning and avoided processed foods and stayed up-to-date on the latest trends. I was constantly exhausted and overwhelmed, yet I thought I was fulfilled. I thought I was living.

Except I wasn’t. I was simply surviving. Numbing. Avoiding.

Somehow--thankfully-- I woke up one day and asked myself what it was I really needed to thrive.

In The Power of Intention Dr. Wayne Dyer says, “realize how little you need in order to be satisfied and at peace.”

I didn’t need the house (besides property tax is ridiculous here). I didn’t need 40 pair of boots. I didn’t need to fill my time endlessly with tasks, because in the end, what I was really doing was avoiding an emptiness that would never be filled, no matter how big my closet or impressive my resume.

I sold the house. I downsized my closet (down to 10 pair of boots!). I found the beauty in sunsets and still moments, where sometimes the only thing to do was sit in silence and find the joy in the scent of a lit candle and the feeling of the ocean air breezing through my patio door. I looked inside myself to figure out who I really was and what I was contributing to the world. Some of it was good. Some of it sucked. Some (read: most) of it I’m still figuring out.

In theory, I’m happy now, or at least striving to be every day. In theory, I live a humble life where I explore nature and meditate and drink green juice (because it makes me feel good, not because it’s trendy, duh). I believe that if you’re truly happy, you can be happy anywhere, anytime, with anything or anyone. Or without, as it were.

Knowing who we are and what we really stand for is where we find our sense of purpose. Trying to find peace or happiness or love through external circumstances, possessions, or people will never be enough.

Life is about living through the heart, and the only way to do that is to go within.